Feeding The Spiders

Square America

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you dies each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.”

comfort

yesterday was cold and it was made that much worse by how shocking it was. one minute, tweeting birds and fiery trees and the next a 4 hour thunderstorm followed by the first cold day of the season.

When it comes to this time of year I start to flounder as a vegan. Where are my comfort foods? The stews, chowders, casseroles, and heaps of flesh that used to satisfy me have been shelved. Yesterday our new pressure cooker arrived in the mail and I made soup. Sadly, I had no bullion no veggie broth. So what did I do? I dug through the pantry and found organic chicken broth that was going to expire in January.

Do you know what chicken smells like to me now? A wet dog. Hugo wasn’t going to use it. I wasn’t planning on using it. It was going to go to waste if I didn’t do something with it and soon. So….in it went.

I put in about a half of a cup of mixed lentils, a full cup of pearled barley, 2 cups of broth, vegan butter (keeping up appearances), mrs dash, salt, and 4 cups of water. It took about an hour in the pressure cooker which was rad. Normally that would take about 3.5 hours to cook. I wasn’t able to eat much of it because it was still reminding me of wet canines. The dogs really enjoyed it though. At least now I know I can make some sort of decent soup without blowing up the house.

I was tired and not thinking…I’m going to donate the other two cartons to my family’s thanksgiving preparations. I need to get back to the mindset of october where I was actually challenging myself and not sort of floating through the house going vegan…notvegan…vegan…notvegan…

shy

Yesterday I met a SAHM who makes and sells soap. It’s not vegan, but her entire house smelled lovely. I asked her where she sourced her tallow because I was curious how she could stand to render it. She tells me she buys it pre-rendered and asks why. “Uhm. I read a lot of vegan blogs and was just curious.”

“Are you vegan?”

For some reason this question really embarrassed me because i wanted to say YES. I don’t feel like I can yet, though. I’m still making a lot of mistakes and still have moments of laziness brought on by too much work and not enough shopping/planning.

thanks

My extended family doesn’t know about my vegan aspirations and thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. I bought Colleen Patrick-Goudreau’s new book “The Joy of Vegan Baking” and I am very excited to have things to make and take. I tried a new stuffed turk’y loaf the other night and it was ohsogood. I will be making a German Applecake, French Onion Pie, Rosemary Drop Biscuits, Butternut Squash Risotto with Sage, Mashed Potatoes, and Mushroom Gravy. You can guess where I have been looking for recipes if you’re a scenester like me.

Lots of photos coming soon.

i’ve been trying for quite a while now to adequately describe how i am feeling. with the help of sisson’s word and expression locater and a my blogroll, i might be able to get this out of my head for a while, deal with it, and move on.

The new world isn’t colorless so much as desaturated. There are thousands of shades, all of which are variations on a single tone… wrong. It’s a charcoal sketch, a silent movie - infinite variety, zero vibrancy.

I was sitting in my bathroom a few moments ago, looking around at the sorry state of it all. The yellowing paint covered with wallpaper paste, portions of the wallpaper still clinging behind the vanity and toilet, giant holes in the wall from bad days and poorly placed towel rods, the layer of concrete crud along the baseboards that has been permanently affixed by the previous tenants’ love of aquanet and dislike for sweeping.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much that I can’t do anything about this place. Rationally I know that the roof doesn’t leak and the toilet works; who could ask for more? I do though, and I feel like a selfish shit every time I look around and all I see is wrong and bad and what am i doing here?

I should rip up the trim, learn how to use a saw, measure, sand, buy a new door and hardware, paint the trim black, paint the door black, paint the walls, rip up the floor, buy a new tub, fix the leak under the sink, buy a new sink, learn how to lay tile….

So I’m still sitting there, wallowing in the disaster that is our hall bathroom and I’m trying to put my finger on the exact word I need to describe how I am feeling so I can decide to feel something else. For whatever reason I have left Sisson’s Word & Expression Finder on the counter. I open it to F > Fortune and like some sort of oracle from 1966 it speaks and I understand what I am feeling. I feel fortunate in a way. A way, that says no one can be me, no one can do this like I can and no one else is better suited for the job than me. Fortunate to Frustrated. Money. Time. Skill. Approval. I don’t think I will ever have enough and it keeps me awake at night.

I don’t mean to be emo, I mean to be real. I don’t want much. If I lived in a teeny tiny place and I could look at a door and say, that door needs to be black because I think a jet black door and trim against snow white walls are the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen…and then be able to do it and not have to answer to anyone …that would be heaven.

I can’t say this month has been easy, but it wasn’t difficult either. I’ve gotten better at cooking.

I won’t say I did a perfect job, because I didn’t.

I gained about 5 pounds…in cookbooks. My body weight hasn’t budged.

I’m disappointed in myself for the lack of posting in the last 2 weeks. In the preceding post I said that I was randomly feeling quite poor. It turns out that I was very slowly coming down with the plague.

Which brings me to…..going to bed and hoping my voice is back by tomorrow.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

If you don’t think this is totally fantastic…. I don’t know what to do with you.