i am watching my first episode of the gilmore girls and am incredibly amused by a tampon ad. the ad for playtex sport tampons featuring a gymnast. interesting choice since the prevalence of eating disorders are so high among female gymnasts that many of them don’t have periods. heh.
i don’t know what is going on with me, friends in the computer. wednesday i was 100% pumped to go to the UU this morning. by friday i was excited but hopeful. maybe i would meet someone there i knew. maybe i’d have a good time. maybe it wouldn’t be awkward and leave me feeling weird and disappointed.
somewhere around 2am this morning i decided that it would be best if i stayed at home and listened to UU sermons that were given a continent’s width away from me. they were safe. there were no wondering or judging eyes.
i guess in the end i was sad that i would have to experience, yet another thing, by myself. isn’t that weird? in a room full of people i see me as being by myself. always.
my first therapist told me that my perceptions were my problem and that my problems didn’t really exist. that’s a pretty shitty thing to say to a teenager that is suicidally depressed and enduring, what she understood to be, emotional and physical abuse.
so do you know what i did instead of getting to bed on time so i could go have myself a life experience? i wrote my recommended introductory letter to a therapist and i cried and i listened to more sermons. i did it until 7am. i slept until 12. did a tarot reading after a i showered. checked my LJ. realized i wouldn’t have been alone at all.
son of a b.
aside: i don’t know when the LJ crossposter got turned on. i don’t remember doing it. i might leave it on. i hate being so wishy washy. ok, fine. i’ll leave it on. hah. how’s that for decision making.
i’m really into jott, twitter, and facebook right now.
i was also depressed to learn yesterday that i couldn’t find a moveon.org bake sale within FIFTY miles of here. i am going to have to get more involved in the world.
i haven’t bought myself a book that i *wanted* to read since some time last year. i have gotten books I needed for work or some other reason.
so i decided to give in to my amazon.com wishlist today and get some books…its still cheaper than a lens.
So…yeah. I think that’s about it for today.
So much potential and so much waste. Everywhere, everything. It has been thundering for the last 3 hours and, so far, no rain. Stacks and stacks of joy, yet no happy. Why?
i hate reading entries about 2 things: people talking about their mental illness/sadness/emofits and long and excessively drawn out dream explanations. so i think, internet, i will be succinct and give you the straight story in as few words as possible.
i have an appointment with a psychiatrist in 2 weeks.
and it just started raining. so maybe there is hope.
This weekend was slightly exhausting. We went to Sam’s and spent an ungodly amount of money on things for the new office/house. I researched appliances for about 4 hours before finally having everything we need picked out and well under budget. Yay consumer reports.
The new house is either going to rock like no one’s business or it is going to be a clusterfuck that will make me throw my new plates against a wall.
I had a creative existential crisis on Saturday during which I was convinced that the only way anyone would ever take me seriously as an artist *parades around her oh-so-self-important-creative-vision* would be to buy a $1350 lens. I slept on it and the next day decided that the best course of action would be a $15 roll of B&W film, a 35mm adapter, and a red filter; all for the Holga. (Because plastic cameras reek of seriousness.) And then dreamed of medium format cameras and pretended I was Annie Leibovitz.
After that was solved, I added two very respectable 3rd party lenses to my Wishlist and decided to sit down, shut up, and be happy FOR FIVE BLESSED MINUTES.
Big Fat Shiny post with lots of pictures and stuff coming very soon. I feel like talking.