i couldn’t think of anything

i am so horribly and utterly depressed right now I can’t even think straight. It is so bad, in fact, that I am writing this in my LJ and not in my paper journal or crossposting this with FTS….I don’t know why I don’t trust either of those places to process what I am feeling right now. I can’t even…articulate what it feels like…it isn’t mistrust or ….. god i don’t even know. fuck figuring it out…it’s happening. (that’s zen, right?)

i have no costume for tomorrow. i am worried about my financial situation. do you have any idea how much psychotherapy costs?? there is a plethora of crazy people in this world because IT IS CHEAPER TO STAY THAT WAY. It isn’t like i’m on my way to the poor house… it’s just that I make X amount of dollars and I am comfortable spending Y. right now i am spending Y*OMFG.

When I check my bank statement I like to see certain figures there. They aren’t luxurious numbers by any stretch of the imagination but they are comfortable given my circumstances. I haven’t seen those numbers for months now. I am like the opposite of the princess and the pea. I need to feel that lump in my mattress to sleep.

I have been off of my meds for a full month now. I still have moments where I snap and plenty of moments where I am totally useless. I felt horrible on them. I feel horrible off of them. So I started seening a therapist…I go for my third appointment this wednesday.

there was a samhain ritual friday night and i couldn’t force myself out of the house to go. 1. i have been sick for about a month. some sort of stupid cold that makes it feel like someone is flipping me right on the bridge of the nose each time I inhale. 2. i had too much anxiety to go.

This is recurring theme with me and something that i definitely plan to talk to my therapist about. i get really excited to do things…and when it comes down to doing them i talk myself out of it because i’m too ugly/stupid/fat/boring/tired/etc etc etc to do it. i wanted to do some calling for obama but when it came down to it, i couldn’t pick up the phone. i wanted to go to the ritual and connect with my fellow pagans but I couldn’t put my shoes on.

I keep coming up with grand ideas that I don’t follow through on, for one reason or another. I am behind on several things. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in….ever. I feel like such a failure over things that matter (i don’t have an education) and things that I know don’t (there is kitty litter on my bathroom floor).

Now I am off to clean my house and hope the increase in blood flow translates into an increasingly better mood.