bug o’er booooard!
O
to no one in particular,
i have been feeling monstrously pressured as of late. moving the office into the house has made things much worse and much better.
I can now pull a 12 hour shift without batting an eyelash. my work productivity comes and goes. when it is on, though, it.is.on.
i come home and the house in an unholy wreck. it is literally all i can do some days to feed the dogs and make sure they get out the door so their biology doesn’t make *more* work for me.
i have enough trouble with my internal monologue making me feel inferior. when the outer world starts to reflect the self talk… i get nervous. when the people outside of my head begin to make noises that start to sound like it….absurd things happen and i start to panic.
therapy is helping me to realize that i cannot keep going on this treadmill. i cannot compete with all this and expect to win. you cannot work 12 hours a day, have perfectly trained dogs, healthy/well-balanced/vegetarian-vegan/whole foods based meals, the laundry always done, a perfectly manicured lawn, and be a size 4.
I see people around me all the time on opposite ends of the spectrum and i’m in awe of how in the fuck did they manage *that.* Women who don’t work whose homes are a total disaster. Women with several kids whose husbands are overseas and their immaculate houses.
i don’t get much help. i can ask for it but i very rarely get it. it is probably that by the time i do ask for it i am so frazzled and insane that i come off as a maniacal bitch.
i don’t have any idea what the point of this is other than to say……FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE with your neediness and your pushiness and your superiority and your ability and your nonchalant air.
you’re just as jacked up as i am.
xo,
bug