going through the motions without moving
O
i did not do christmas eve with my extended family. each year I leave feeling lonely and depressed so I decided…not this year. i left my phone out in my car so i didn’t have to ignore calls.
i am pretty sure this makes me a selfish asshole.
christmas isn’t christmas without my nana and i really can’t stand to be around most of the rest of them even though i love them. sometimes i wish i lived really far away so i could have my own traditions without feeling guilty or offending someone.
this next bit is going to show what a real piece of shit i am.
in my family we draw names. the rule is you can’t draw anyone in your household so you only have to buy one gift for someone outside of your home. i would rack my brains out trying to come up with a special gift for someone. one year i drew the name of someone i.had.never.met. the sister of a cousin’s in law (yeah, wrap your mind around that one) was going to be in town…so they threw their name in.* i spent forever trying to find a gift for this person, asking the people who knew them for ideas. I finally found something they seemed to genuinely enjoy when they opened it. unfortunately everyone had a package of some sort to open and i had….an envelope…with a gift card…to a place i never shop. just like the year before that…and the one before that.
i decided 2 years ago that i really didn’t need that sort of affection, stress, or heartache…so I have opted out of drawing and being drawn. i also told my immediate family that i didn’t want anything and i wasn’t doing any christmas shopping. my parents are pretty spoiled and anything they want, they go get. hugo and I are the same way. last year i got my brothers a book and put cash inside them to split with their spouse.
this year i bought hugo a few big ticket things (big for my budget, anyway) and that was all the shopping i did. and that is the story of my gradual disenchantment with christmas.