it’s liberating to know that you’re not crazy, despite appearances. i have good news. sort of.

therapy lately has been hard. I didn’t think it was going to be lots of cooing and telling me what a good person I am but I didn’t think it was going to shake me up the way it has. the place I go is very comfortable and I love my counselor…she is wonderful, yet, I have an overwhelming urge to get up and run away sometimes. I have to force myself to stay seated because everything in my body is urging me to get up and run away. This ride doesn’t have seat belts. A few weeks ago I broke down for the first time and it wasn’t over any of the things I would have thought could wring it out of me. I told her about Odie. Then I cried like it happened yesterday. It blindsided me and knocked me into the guardrail.

i completely shut down last week. i know this is all because we’re finally past the bedrock and self preservation runs on auto pilot for most of us. i have to fight to keep my ass on that couch and i have to fight to make my mouth move. in the past laying low and still could get me out of damn near everything. there is a part of me that is tired of taking the beating. time to face all this garbage and buy stock in Kimberly-Clark because I am going to need a lot of Kleenex. :)