I have wanted to be a vegetarian since I was a little kid. My family’s lifestyle didn’t support it at the time, so I told myself “As soon as I am on my own, I’ll be a vegetarian.” When it came time for me to move out, though, I didn’t stop eating meat. I kept up with old habits. Pound after pound packed on and here 5 years later, I am not doing any better regarding my relationship with food.

I have used fancy phrases like “transitioning vegetarian” & “pesco vegetarian” and what it feels like to me is a big fat lie. I am not living my truth and I am realizing now how this is affecting myself and my relationships.

Yesterday I had the last hot dog I will ever eat. It tasted so good, but I physically felt ill after eating it. I knew I was making the wrong choice while I was making it and I made it anyway!! WHY do I do this to myself?? Well, says I to me, enough.

My ideal would be veganism. On one hand, going cold turkey and jumping in with both feet could be the best way to keep me from cheating or it could drive me completely crazy.

I have always had it in my head that I couldn’t call myself something until I had proven to the gods that I had become worthy of a title, but you know what? I’m through with that. I need some real affirmation from within that I am on the right track with my life.

I am an artist. I am creative. I am a vegetarian. I am a compassionate being. I am an Earth loving Pagani. I am an environmentalist. I am a scholar. I am healthy. I am a very rad citizen of the cosmos. I am blessed. I am a domestic genius. I am content.

There. *deep breath* Feels good.

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intro

I sat down here to write a bit about some recent meditations and thought bunnies I have been chasing. Among them the craft, veganism, dog training, and Buddhism. I opened Firefox to my iGoogle homepage which has a daily horoscope widget on it.

Just because you have a high level of integrity and are willing to do the spiritual work required by your beliefs, don’t think you are better than everyone else. Be careful about self-righteousness; it will only isolate you from those you love. It’s healthier to realize that everyone is on their own path and is exactly where they should be at this time.

Not that being a twit was in my mind at all, but it was interesting how the universe popped up to warn me about turning into a twit. So maybe I should just say, “Yeah, those things are on my mind,” and leave it at that. Maybe.

photo

I bought a camera bag yesterday. The camera and flash barely fit in the main compartment, but it works. If I get another lens, it will stop working in a hurry. I’ve managed to cram the camera, flash, USB cable, 3 CF cards, 4 extra AA batteries, a screw driver, camera video cable, avalanche keys, palm tx, wallet, 4gb USB key, iPod, earbuds, chapstick, XM radio, eyepiece for viewfinder, and a stash of claratin in the thing.

random

If you haven’t downloaded any Blitzkid, seriously, what in the world are you waiting for??? Do it!

house

I made a remodeling type decision about the house. I want a semi-matte dark grey tile with black grout everywhere, even in the bathrooms. I want black doors and black baseboards. I haven’t decided about the walls but they will be awesome colors in the bedrooms. On one of those remodeling shows the other morning, I saw a woman do her entire bathroom in a pond flower mosaic. It was breathtaking when she was finished and made me realize how much i want a 100% tiled bathroom. With a nice big tub. Dream on, dream big.

coco

Coco is doing better *fingers crossed* When I picked her up, I made a deal with XM Radio that it could name my puppy with the next 3 song titles. Her real name is Ruby Date Rape North American Scum. I couldn’t have made that up and made it quite so perfect if I had tried for HOURS. Her official name on the papers is going to be Coco Chien-elle Pancake…because she isn’t my dog and I’m still pretty clever. (Seriously, if you don’t get that you ruin my fun.)

outro

I’m looking for some sort of training program dealing with my spirituality. Not only to teach me things but to help me get into a daily and involved spiritual practice. I’ve looked at two books (this series & this one) and an online course and I’m not sure about any of them. Someone with experience in this area or someone with a positive opinion or thought to add would be handy.

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my a+ book came today. it has palm based flash cards so i will be able to study wherever i like, which will be nice.

so far i’m brilliantly ignorant, which gives me hope. I missed about 11 out of 40 on the assessment test. i think that makes me a b- student. after i read, understand, and memorize all 800+ pages of this tome, i should be ready for the test.

hah.

i bought 2 carbon based lifeforms cds today via iTunes. Hydroponic Garden and World of Sleepers. i’d have to agree with the reviewer who said they’re like drugs for your ears. i also got the latest snow patrol cd because i am getting very friday night wb in my old age. i didn’t realize the wb is now the cw network. i don’t get that at all. anyway…itunes gift bucks rock my world.

i’ve been making my bed every day for some reason. my room is the only area of the house that i can clean and i know won’t get messed up by someone other than myself. i was getting pretty sloppy and that is *not* the way of the virgo. in the interest of being presentable i cleaned my room yesterday and gathered my books and magazines that were strewn hither and yon. i have a new dillema, my friends. my bookshelf has reached capacity. the books i have here that are on the shelf, the books i have no homes for, and the books at my parents house will probably fill 3 shelves. i’m thinking of donating some of my wicca books i won’t ever use anymore to the library, but this being the land of two walmarts among the mullet tribe….they might be better off composted in the back yard.

michelle bought me my tickets for the afi concert. i was touched that she’d just do that for me and i of course paid her back (i hope it covered it, anyway) which meant I GOT TO SEE MICHELLE and i got to stare at and fondle beads. oh the beads. stars and stones and oh i would go so broke if i went in there with money. i have an idea in my head for a necklace because i have really been wanting some ritual gear.

speaking of ritual gear, i want to learn to sew. i thought “oh, i could just borrow my mom’s machine..” but then my sensible side said “and tell her what? that you want to make a cloak/gown/tunic/mumu for your spiritual practice? roight.” we’ll see.

probably going to run to the store and get 2 small bottles of bubblystuff for hugo and i. i had a dehydration/sinues migraine for 3 days that i *just* got rid of so i am not at all eager to be sick because of liquor for the sake of celebration. it’s times like these that i think of all those straight edge kids out there having parties with welch’s sparkling grape juice. seriously, how in the hell do you miss people you’ve never met?

i’m lonely. i wish someone would make some time for me.

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I had a pretty full day yesterday. I cleaned the house within an inch of its life…large portions of it, anyway. I thought it was important to do before the new year. I dusted the TV room (which was atrocious and made my nose bleed), did about 7 loads of laundry, cleaned off the back deck, cleaned my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen, and I barely dented the work that there is to be done.

The extra hour of sleep was nice. I’m trying to think of ways to cure my cauldron. I’m not sure what the handle is made of and I don’t want a molten lava mess in my oven right now. I could take the handle off, but that metal is stiff. I bought some “commercial” type suff for halloween because it makes me smile. I’ve got to find a few things for my ritual for friday night. Charcoal, incense, food, wine, etc. Today though, I have an date with an avacado. I think i might have a few slices on a black bean veggie burger and mash the rest up and give myself a facial. I didn’t know it, but Hugo hates avacados. ;_;

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