it is saturday and i am sitting in my bedroom eating potato soup, listening to geek.farm.life, and playing harvest moon: awl. i think i was a farmer/farmer’s wife in a past life. i’m sort of obsessed with the idea of having a farm.

i’m listening to episode 77 and misty and andrew are talking about their farm has outgrown their needs and they discuss their plans for downsizing. i hear words like chops, ribs, bacon….and i see this in my mind. they are talking about sending their animals off to slaughter in the fall. the goats? they won’t be keeping the boys. they’ll be breeding 2 of the girls. they’re getting rid of the beautiful ram. misty is considering getting rid of her entire flock of sheep. i worry about a baby boy goat/lamb that doesn’t even exist yet because they say something like “knocking in the head” and “newborn is a delicacy”.

i am not naive. i know where meat comes from. i know how cheese is made. i understand that in order for humans to keep beehives going, you’ve got to open the lid of the hive occasionally and kill the queen. i get it. i am mindful of my participation, necessary and unnecessary, in the food chain.

what i also get? is that there is no way on earth i could take a newborn from it’s mother and send it off to slaughter. i could not look at a rabbit hutch and think of casseroles. bacon only means “pig flesh” to me. i can not look at an animal and see anything in it other than a fellow earthling.

i could not deprive that mother the chance to care for her baby. i could not allow that animal to become a mother for that reason under my watch. i could not keep that animal knowing the only way i could “justify” her existence would be to breed her and take her babies away. that would mean, i’d also not have any meat, milk, cheese, or butter. i also understand that you cannot keep an animal if you cannot afford to feed it or if it doesn’t generate a sufficient return on your investment.

i am not condemning misty and andrew for what they do, because i really enjoy their podcast and think that their lifestyle is admirable. i’m just saying, ‘not for me, thanks just the same.’ i love having these experiences and am grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn. my gut reaction about hearing someone talking about slaughtering spring lambs is horror. i can take this feeling and carry it with me to the grocery store and to the dining room table.

it is a blessing to have the absolute clarity that my truth tells me whether its in cellophane, a tin can, on a plate, or on a stick, that nothing has to bleed or suffer for me to survive.

i am never going to be a vegan because of the definition of veganism. for instance, i don’t think eating chicken’s eggs is bad. i don’t approve of the conditions of commercial egg farms (don’t misunderstand me here, i am totally against industrialized farming practices), but if i had a flock in my back yard, i would have no problem cleaning out their unfertilized eggs. i wouldn’t cry for the potential in that egg any more than i do over my own eggs month to month. every chance for life can’t be allowed because resources are finite. that is our reality.

i am never going to be a vegan, but i think that is ok with me as long as i can say ‘vegetarian’ and be speaking my truth.

i still want a farm though…with goats for show and chickens…and LOTS of vegetables in the garden.

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busy

i have been experiencing an odd phenomenon. i noticed it the night i was reading harry potter. i put it down with 30 pages to go because i was absolutely exhausted and my eyes were sort of crossing. i slept hard. i kept being awakened by my thoughts and a pressure in my brain. it literally felt like my skull was going to burst if i didn’t get up right that moment. i got up and checked the clock. i’d been asleep for a little under 2 hours and it felt like 9.

maybe this is why i have been going to bed at 3am and waking up at 8am. my brain is whirring right now with ideas and plans and thoughts and dreams. i’d rather be tired than have my brain explode in the middle of the night.

i wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts on things to do with sculpey. an effect to see if i can manage to pull off with css. ideas for point of sale software for a yoga studio. it’s my very own brand of fun.

geek

some of my equipment should be arriving sooooon. i’m really really excited. i’ve joined several affiliate programs. i’ve nearly finished piddling around with my blog. soon i will be submitting it everywhere i can think of to promote it. i could care less if i make any money, but by god i want some readers. i know i’m not talking to myself because i do get the occasional comment, but it makes me so jealous when i see a blog whose entire content is about blathering on and they have 40+ comments.

i also think that someone who blogs for a living shouldn’t be allowed to call a daily photograph content. i can take pictures, too, thanks. that is a rant for another day.

me

like this isn’t alllllll about me, right? heh. i am suffering from a lack of accountability in my life. if it weren’t for the dogs, i wouldn’t have a reason to get out of bed. if it weren’t for hugo, i would probably shower a whole lot less. i have some deep issues regarding the state of my house and my level of rage, otherwise why make beds?

i realize that i should do things for myself because, gosh darn it, i’m worth it. maybe deep down i don’t think i am. maybe i’m lazy. maybe i really don’t care.

no one will notice if i order chicken in my entree. no one will give me a pat on the back for doing yoga every night and waking up and working out every morning. it doesn’t matter to anyone that i vacuum out the toaster oven every saturday, whether it needs it or not.

i am afraid of this thing that i am doing…that it will fail…and what that will do to me. i’m trying to stay positive and be thankful for every creative burst. sometimes, though, i can feel the sabotage starting and i have to fight myself to keep from indulging it.

i don’t consider myself shallow. i can get along with almost anyone because i find things and relationships fascinating. something always goes wrong. i wonder what happened. i realize the common denominator in all of this is me. maybe i need to be more selective, more specific.

i don’t know why i need someone to pay attention to me so badly. i swear i’m not trying to be obnoxious. i join groups and almost immediately feel alienated because of one thing or another. i’m not as talented. i don’t have children. i’m not fanatic about x, y, or z. *sigh*

project

i had a great thought last night, circa 2am. i was reading The Circle Within which has various dedications and chants sprinkled throughout and a nice appendix with several more of the same. i have a bit of a problem with memorizing things. i think it’s a bit of dyslexia. i can’t learn something by reading it. i have to hear it, experience it, or figure it out by myself. i can absorb plenty of information and get the general idea, but the specifics get hazy.

so i thought, why don’t i record these over some sexy sounds? i can get a boost of alignment with the universe while i’ve got my ipod on shuffle and it will help me remember them. i will probably get started on that tomorrow if i can score some privacy and quietude. heh. i thought it was a really great idea, but probably nothing an over worked college student hasn’t done before. also, it is copyrighted materials so it wouldn’t be something i could distribute, unless I wrote my own. Still…something to keep me busy…er.

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Articles like this concern me quite a bit. Scares the shit out of me, to be honest. Why?

First, it reinforces stereotypes. Yes, I realize stereotypes exist for a reason, but they are very very dangerous, for all of us. Could you tell by my walk I’ve got a crush on your sister? Would you bash my skull in because you thought you were the sex I was attracted to? Could you tell if I was with a man or a woman last night by the way I held my hand? Maybe it’s obvious. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s practiced, maybe it’s learned.

I realize how alluring it would be for a gay person to see genetic evidence of their sexuality. The Gay Gene. To be able to flip that DNA test in everyone’s face and shout, “See! God made me this way!” God makes babies with cleft pallets, and we’ve taken it upon ourselves to “correct” them, too. What about including homosexuality in a genetic counseling questionnaire? They didn’t find Down syndrome in the amniocentesis, but there is a 95% chance that your baby will be gay. How many parents will jump up and down at that news? Are there parents that would abort a gay baby? Yes, there are. There are parents that will abort a baby based on their sex alone.

So what, they could have the baby anyway, clinging to their 5% chance of heterosexuality, and from day one the baby could be put in therapy. Conditioned to be “straight” from birth and denied their right to experience life in a naturally dysfunctional way and to find and define themselves on their own terms? It could happen. It does happen. Parents send their children to therapy when they come out to them. Like they were ill or dysfunctional. Churches preach that homosexuality is an abomination.

If you were gay, would you like people thinking your genes were an abomination, anomaly, or defect?

I really don’t think it is genetic…and I say this because gay parents do not consistently produce gay children the way blue eyed parents have blue eyed children. Children of gay parents are probably much more comfortable expressing their identity so every time you see an out gay child of gay parents it is assumed the parents made him/her that way. A large portion of the population is probably too chicken shit to admit how they really feel or to even examine it with any honesty, anyway. So maybe we’re all gay and just haven’t realized it yet. If I am wrong, and it is genetic, then that is fine too, but it really takes all the fun out of discovery, no? And God forbid that out members of the LGBT identity be denied, not only the right to marry and adopt, but the right to reproduce.

There is no genetic test to tell me why I prefer marinara over alfredo, denim to corduroy, books to people, or Ani to Alanis. I just do. I didn’t make a conscious decision, it just fits and no amount of anything is going to unhappen who I am. I hate to relate it to something so simple, but our sexuality is such a small part of the whole that it really doesn’t do any of us justice to focus on it.

It should be focused on when someone is not being treated fairly because of it. Anyone ever seen Gattaca? The genetically “unfit” were 3rd rate citizens. And, lets be honest, gays & trans individuals are some of the most amazingly talented, intelligent, creative, loving, masterminds on this planet. They should totally be able to get health insurance, marry whoever they want, and smoke pot in their basement.

At the risk of sounding like a liberal dipshit, we should embrace our differences as part of the human experience and then forget them. I do not care if you like to suck cock or lick a lily or do everything all at once. I care that you are a good person, that you swerve for squirrels, that you don’t push old ladies down stairs, that you think Hitler was a total asshole…

I, myself, have made a conscious decision to not identify as straight. I have been willing to consider all applicants for love of my life. After Hugo is gone, I’ll might shack up with a nice girl and we’ll raise goats for the sheer joy of having them. Maybe. Maybe not. But I can’t limit myself because it makes other people feel comfortable to label me and I refuse to believe that who I am is merely a result of 2 random bits of DNA colliding.

Of course, if you’re an Atheist or whatever, you’re going to think that is BS and what are we if not that? Well, then, that’s just how I see it and you’re entitled too, my friend.

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I have wanted to be a vegetarian since I was a little kid. My family’s lifestyle didn’t support it at the time, so I told myself “As soon as I am on my own, I’ll be a vegetarian.” When it came time for me to move out, though, I didn’t stop eating meat. I kept up with old habits. Pound after pound packed on and here 5 years later, I am not doing any better regarding my relationship with food.

I have used fancy phrases like “transitioning vegetarian” & “pesco vegetarian” and what it feels like to me is a big fat lie. I am not living my truth and I am realizing now how this is affecting myself and my relationships.

Yesterday I had the last hot dog I will ever eat. It tasted so good, but I physically felt ill after eating it. I knew I was making the wrong choice while I was making it and I made it anyway!! WHY do I do this to myself?? Well, says I to me, enough.

My ideal would be veganism. On one hand, going cold turkey and jumping in with both feet could be the best way to keep me from cheating or it could drive me completely crazy.

I have always had it in my head that I couldn’t call myself something until I had proven to the gods that I had become worthy of a title, but you know what? I’m through with that. I need some real affirmation from within that I am on the right track with my life.

I am an artist. I am creative. I am a vegetarian. I am a compassionate being. I am an Earth loving Pagani. I am an environmentalist. I am a scholar. I am healthy. I am a very rad citizen of the cosmos. I am blessed. I am a domestic genius. I am content.

There. *deep breath* Feels good.

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intro

I sat down here to write a bit about some recent meditations and thought bunnies I have been chasing. Among them the craft, veganism, dog training, and Buddhism. I opened Firefox to my iGoogle homepage which has a daily horoscope widget on it.

Just because you have a high level of integrity and are willing to do the spiritual work required by your beliefs, don’t think you are better than everyone else. Be careful about self-righteousness; it will only isolate you from those you love. It’s healthier to realize that everyone is on their own path and is exactly where they should be at this time.

Not that being a twit was in my mind at all, but it was interesting how the universe popped up to warn me about turning into a twit. So maybe I should just say, “Yeah, those things are on my mind,” and leave it at that. Maybe.

photo

I bought a camera bag yesterday. The camera and flash barely fit in the main compartment, but it works. If I get another lens, it will stop working in a hurry. I’ve managed to cram the camera, flash, USB cable, 3 CF cards, 4 extra AA batteries, a screw driver, camera video cable, avalanche keys, palm tx, wallet, 4gb USB key, iPod, earbuds, chapstick, XM radio, eyepiece for viewfinder, and a stash of claratin in the thing.

random

If you haven’t downloaded any Blitzkid, seriously, what in the world are you waiting for??? Do it!

house

I made a remodeling type decision about the house. I want a semi-matte dark grey tile with black grout everywhere, even in the bathrooms. I want black doors and black baseboards. I haven’t decided about the walls but they will be awesome colors in the bedrooms. On one of those remodeling shows the other morning, I saw a woman do her entire bathroom in a pond flower mosaic. It was breathtaking when she was finished and made me realize how much i want a 100% tiled bathroom. With a nice big tub. Dream on, dream big.

coco

Coco is doing better *fingers crossed* When I picked her up, I made a deal with XM Radio that it could name my puppy with the next 3 song titles. Her real name is Ruby Date Rape North American Scum. I couldn’t have made that up and made it quite so perfect if I had tried for HOURS. Her official name on the papers is going to be Coco Chien-elle Pancake…because she isn’t my dog and I’m still pretty clever. (Seriously, if you don’t get that you ruin my fun.)

outro

I’m looking for some sort of training program dealing with my spirituality. Not only to teach me things but to help me get into a daily and involved spiritual practice. I’ve looked at two books (this series & this one) and an online course and I’m not sure about any of them. Someone with experience in this area or someone with a positive opinion or thought to add would be handy.

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