busy

i have been experiencing an odd phenomenon. i noticed it the night i was reading harry potter. i put it down with 30 pages to go because i was absolutely exhausted and my eyes were sort of crossing. i slept hard. i kept being awakened by my thoughts and a pressure in my brain. it literally felt like my skull was going to burst if i didn’t get up right that moment. i got up and checked the clock. i’d been asleep for a little under 2 hours and it felt like 9.

maybe this is why i have been going to bed at 3am and waking up at 8am. my brain is whirring right now with ideas and plans and thoughts and dreams. i’d rather be tired than have my brain explode in the middle of the night.

i wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts on things to do with sculpey. an effect to see if i can manage to pull off with css. ideas for point of sale software for a yoga studio. it’s my very own brand of fun.

geek

some of my equipment should be arriving sooooon. i’m really really excited. i’ve joined several affiliate programs. i’ve nearly finished piddling around with my blog. soon i will be submitting it everywhere i can think of to promote it. i could care less if i make any money, but by god i want some readers. i know i’m not talking to myself because i do get the occasional comment, but it makes me so jealous when i see a blog whose entire content is about blathering on and they have 40+ comments.

i also think that someone who blogs for a living shouldn’t be allowed to call a daily photograph content. i can take pictures, too, thanks. that is a rant for another day.

me

like this isn’t alllllll about me, right? heh. i am suffering from a lack of accountability in my life. if it weren’t for the dogs, i wouldn’t have a reason to get out of bed. if it weren’t for hugo, i would probably shower a whole lot less. i have some deep issues regarding the state of my house and my level of rage, otherwise why make beds?

i realize that i should do things for myself because, gosh darn it, i’m worth it. maybe deep down i don’t think i am. maybe i’m lazy. maybe i really don’t care.

no one will notice if i order chicken in my entree. no one will give me a pat on the back for doing yoga every night and waking up and working out every morning. it doesn’t matter to anyone that i vacuum out the toaster oven every saturday, whether it needs it or not.

i am afraid of this thing that i am doing…that it will fail…and what that will do to me. i’m trying to stay positive and be thankful for every creative burst. sometimes, though, i can feel the sabotage starting and i have to fight myself to keep from indulging it.

i don’t consider myself shallow. i can get along with almost anyone because i find things and relationships fascinating. something always goes wrong. i wonder what happened. i realize the common denominator in all of this is me. maybe i need to be more selective, more specific.

i don’t know why i need someone to pay attention to me so badly. i swear i’m not trying to be obnoxious. i join groups and almost immediately feel alienated because of one thing or another. i’m not as talented. i don’t have children. i’m not fanatic about x, y, or z. *sigh*

project

i had a great thought last night, circa 2am. i was reading The Circle Within which has various dedications and chants sprinkled throughout and a nice appendix with several more of the same. i have a bit of a problem with memorizing things. i think it’s a bit of dyslexia. i can’t learn something by reading it. i have to hear it, experience it, or figure it out by myself. i can absorb plenty of information and get the general idea, but the specifics get hazy.

so i thought, why don’t i record these over some sexy sounds? i can get a boost of alignment with the universe while i’ve got my ipod on shuffle and it will help me remember them. i will probably get started on that tomorrow if i can score some privacy and quietude. heh. i thought it was a really great idea, but probably nothing an over worked college student hasn’t done before. also, it is copyrighted materials so it wouldn’t be something i could distribute, unless I wrote my own. Still…something to keep me busy…er.

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