i don’t know what is going on with me, friends in the computer. wednesday i was 100% pumped to go to the UU this morning. by friday i was excited but hopeful. maybe i would meet someone there i knew. maybe i’d have a good time. maybe it wouldn’t be awkward and leave me feeling weird and disappointed.

somewhere around 2am this morning i decided that it would be best if i stayed at home and listened to UU sermons that were given a continent’s width away from me. they were safe. there were no wondering or judging eyes.

i guess in the end i was sad that i would have to experience, yet another thing, by myself. isn’t that weird? in a room full of people i see me as being by myself. always.

my first therapist told me that my perceptions were my problem and that my problems didn’t really exist. that’s a pretty shitty thing to say to a teenager that is suicidally depressed and enduring, what she understood to be, emotional and physical abuse.

so do you know what i did instead of getting to bed on time so i could go have myself a life experience? i wrote my recommended introductory letter to a therapist and i cried and i listened to more sermons. i did it until 7am. i slept until 12. did a tarot reading after a i showered. checked my LJ. realized i wouldn’t have been alone at all.

son of a b.

aside: i don’t know when the LJ crossposter got turned on. i don’t remember doing it. i might leave it on. i hate being so wishy washy. ok, fine. i’ll leave it on. hah. how’s that for decision making.

i’m really into jott, twitter, and facebook right now.

i was also depressed to learn yesterday that i couldn’t find a moveon.org bake sale within FIFTY miles of here. i am going to have to get more involved in the world.

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