i’ve been trying for quite a while now to adequately describe how i am feeling. with the help of sisson’s word and expression locater and a my blogroll, i might be able to get this out of my head for a while, deal with it, and move on.

The new world isn’t colorless so much as desaturated. There are thousands of shades, all of which are variations on a single tone… wrong. It’s a charcoal sketch, a silent movie - infinite variety, zero vibrancy.

I was sitting in my bathroom a few moments ago, looking around at the sorry state of it all. The yellowing paint covered with wallpaper paste, portions of the wallpaper still clinging behind the vanity and toilet, giant holes in the wall from bad days and poorly placed towel rods, the layer of concrete crud along the baseboards that has been permanently affixed by the previous tenants’ love of aquanet and dislike for sweeping.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much that I can’t do anything about this place. Rationally I know that the roof doesn’t leak and the toilet works; who could ask for more? I do though, and I feel like a selfish shit every time I look around and all I see is wrong and bad and what am i doing here?

I should rip up the trim, learn how to use a saw, measure, sand, buy a new door and hardware, paint the trim black, paint the door black, paint the walls, rip up the floor, buy a new tub, fix the leak under the sink, buy a new sink, learn how to lay tile….

So I’m still sitting there, wallowing in the disaster that is our hall bathroom and I’m trying to put my finger on the exact word I need to describe how I am feeling so I can decide to feel something else. For whatever reason I have left Sisson’s Word & Expression Finder on the counter. I open it to F > Fortune and like some sort of oracle from 1966 it speaks and I understand what I am feeling. I feel fortunate in a way. A way, that says no one can be me, no one can do this like I can and no one else is better suited for the job than me. Fortunate to Frustrated. Money. Time. Skill. Approval. I don’t think I will ever have enough and it keeps me awake at night.

I don’t mean to be emo, I mean to be real. I don’t want much. If I lived in a teeny tiny place and I could look at a door and say, that door needs to be black because I think a jet black door and trim against snow white walls are the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen…and then be able to do it and not have to answer to anyone …that would be heaven.

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