it’s strange how we can summon people into our lives. i didn’t mean to call you, i was just wondering how you are doing. i was thinking about the way you used to braid hemp off of your big toe in class. by used to, i realize i don’t know you. didn’t know you. only saw you.

i knew it was you, somehow i realize now, while we were sitting at the red light. you didn’t see the light changed until a few beats too late. ‘local foods’ ‘knoxville skate park’ ‘i love jesus’. beaten up green mini van with hemp hanging from the rear view and a pair of shoes hanging off of the clothes hanger.

all those things whispered you. i thought about you some more while i was driving and amused myself by imagining it was really you driving that van and that we were going to the same place. i was behind you all the way down 321, into maryville, into krogers parking lot. i was shocked and embarrassed to see you seeing me in your side view mirror. i parked diagonally from you and you looked up with your cloth shopping bag in hand as i looked up from digging one of mine out of the floor board.

beautiful bohemian boy.

i knew instantly where you would go…because it is where i always go. i go to the supplements aisle in the health food section. i avoided it because i knew. i was right.

i tried to pretend to be horribly interested in the varieties of almond milk. all i could think was should i talk to you? would you remember me? do you have any idea how i felt about you? do you have any idea what is going on in the next aisle?

i race around like a crazy person finishing my shopping. granola cereal. almond milk. soy milk. vegetarian soup mix. spring water. granola bar. i remember to look for organic maple syrup. we’re in the same aisle. sandalwood. i want the floor to swallow me. you quietly contemplate a box of tea.

i finish. i leave.
but there is your van and i have business cards on me. i could leave one with a “hi” on the back under your wipers. maybe you’d remember me. maybe you would wonder why someone thought you needed a website.

i couldn’t bring myself to do it. as i am driving away i keep saying over and over to myself…you will regret this. you will regret this. but i know me.

you are crickets at midnight and i am AC hum.

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